In The Future
"In the future, it will be found that any benevolent impulse not acted upon will clog the arteries and cause cardiac arrest.
All those with the right idea but too weak-willed to act upon it will be clutching their chests in agony by their mid-50's, while all the greedy assholes who never had a feeling of empathy to begin with will be laughing over their piles of money into their 80s, 90s, and beyond.
In the future, it will also be found that money is the great lubricant, if you will, in more ways than one.
Rich folks will have perfected a method of crushing hundred dollar bills into a creamy paste, which they will rub all over their bodies, in an effort to stave off wrinkles, sags, and other signs of age.
Poor folks will have tried a similar technique by collecting all the world's discarded pennies, but the paste subsequently attained only deepened their wrinkles and gave off a smell that the rich would do their best to avoid.
In the future, it will be found that each human hair is tiny antenna to a giant cosmic being named Hair God, who is a primordial being obsessed with follicles and who possessed the body and mind of Vidal Sassoon at various points in his life.
Of course, if the human hairs have been permed or teased, their antenna powers will be blunted severely, if not entirely eliminated.
In the future, every time somebody notices or mentions you on CyberCosmos (the great integrated social networking platform that has virtual representations of everything: every human, every emotion, every blade of grass and speck of dirt, and has even managed to incorporate unified field theory), a red pellet is automatically dispensed from a hole in the ceiling shaped like a cloud eerily reminiscent of Charleton Heston playing Moses in “The Ten Commandments.”
The pellet is sweet and sugary and mildly sedates you for a few minutes.
Some people do not eat these pellets, instead collecting them and trading them like the beads and furs of yesteryear.
In fact, the red pellet black market has been doing a brisk business of late, with one confirmed exchange of 10,000 pellet for a 1997 Geo Metro.
Which brings up the following: in the future, it will be generally agreed upon that the 1997 Geo Metro was the best car ever made.
Moving on...
In the future, the walls of our dwellings will be edible. At the end of the hallway of most apartment buildings will be a bakery that manufactures edible bricks to fill the holes in the walls.
In the great “Angry Stomachs” protest of 2040, a group of 400,000 angry Union members gathered and ate through the West Wing of the White House.
They were eventually pushed back as the military began shooting mortar rounds of Dexatrim, the famed diet pill of the late 1980s. Since Dexatrim was in fact just a speed pill, similar in nature to cocaine, these 400,000 angry, stuffed Union members all turned to one another and began blabbing non-stop about how excited they were about “all this cool shit coming up.” Since everyone was talking all at once, nobody could hear each other, and the resultant din sounded 400,000 screaming hyenas.
The right-wing media subsequently spun the episode to demonstrate Union members as “gluttonous speed-freaks anxiously discussing things that will never happen.”"
-Bill Baird-
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